she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
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He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
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I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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