I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
