just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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