on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
