I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
