I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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