I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
And then my night got REAL pukey
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
