I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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