Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
