Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
