It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
