Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize