There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
