I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
