I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?