I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
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How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
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my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited