my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Send help, water and tortillas.
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yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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