my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
