you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
whose parrot is this?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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