today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
