Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I believe in your delicious
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
