the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize