Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
