Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
