i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He has the fingertips of a God
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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