so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
