I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
