I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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