I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
