Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
