hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
