I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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