I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life