ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...