I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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