im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Oh god it's open bar.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
