A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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