New invention idea: vibrating tampons
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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