I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
