Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
