so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES