Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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