Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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