Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
