she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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