I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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