He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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