The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
