I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I am one with the molecules
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
