i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
