You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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