I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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