No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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