How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
