I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
