he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
