Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
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The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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