there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
