my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
