I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
