Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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